


A Delicate Balance

by wackyjacqs



Series: Bizarre Holidays [168]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode: s07e13 Grace, Episode: s08e07 Affinity, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 20:15:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19280383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wackyjacqs/pseuds/wackyjacqs
Summary: She feels ashamed for what she’s about to ask, but there’s actually a really good reason as to why she’s having this conversation with him at all because she is acutely aware that if she doesn’t do it now, she’ll never get another chance and a part of her finds that unacceptable.





	A Delicate Balance

**Author's Note:**

> Written for ‘World Juggling Day’ (15 June). An amendment to _that_ scene in Affinity, when Sam is debating whether she can/will/should juggle her work and (potential) family life.

She feels ashamed for what she’s about to ask, but there’s actually a really good reason as to why she’s having this conversation with him at all because she is acutely aware that if she doesn’t do it now, she’ll never get another chance and a part of her finds that unacceptable.

“What about you?” A flicker of surprise crosses his face and she quickly adds, “if things had been different?”

His expression gives nothing away, but his eyes are dark and intense as they bore into hers and she has to look away, but when she does, she misses the way his gaze roams over her face and his expression softens infinitesimally.

“I wouldn’t be here.”

Her gaze snaps to his at the admission because those four words could hold a multitude of meanings and she’s just about to ask him what – exactly – he’s talking about when she catches the movement. It’s small, but it’s enough; when his gaze drops guiltily and he looks back at her, regretfully and almost hopelessly, and she knows he’s talking about _them._

She wonders how they got into this sorry situation and she almost – _almost_ – wants to laugh because she knows it’s her fault. She was the one who insisted they leave it in the room all those years ago, and whilst he’s shown glimpses that he still cares about her _more than he should_ , it’s always her who finally pushes back. She’s the one who reminds them of who they are and why they need to stay ‘Carter’ and ‘Sir’.

But now she’s not just stepped over that line, but taken a running leap over it by addressing _that_ particular elephant in the room, so she decides to just keep going because she isn’t sure what she has to lose at this point.

“What if I retired?”

His eyebrows rise slightly, but any emotion he’s experiencing is quickly masked. “Is that something you’d really want to do?”

“It’s an option.”

“Is it?”

“I –”

“It’s only an option if it’s something you want to seriously consider, Carter.”

His reasoning makes her hesitate, because she isn’t sure it is what she wants – and he knows that, unlike Pete who not-so-helpfully suggested she think about giving up her job so she could essentially become a homemaker.

“Shouldn’t you be talking about this kind of stuff with Pete?”

“Probably."

“Why aren’t you?”

She winces and then shrugs, because it’s the best answer she can give him right now – namely, because she doesn’t know why she’d rather be talking to her commanding officer about a marriage proposal as opposed to her potential fiancé.

“Are things with the cop not going well?”

“They were – _are,_ ” she corrects quickly. “It’s just – marriage? It’s a really big step.”

“Yeah,” Jack answers slowly. “But it’s also a natural one for many couples.”

Her brow puckers at the word ‘couple’ because she selfishly doesn’t want him to refer to her in that way, so she averts her gaze.

“What’s going on, Sam?”

His expression has softened and his voice is soft but it does nothing to comfort her or the tumultuous emotions waging war inside of her.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, sir,” she finally whispers.

“Whatever you want.”

“And what do I want?”

She isn’t sure whether she intends for the question to be rhetorical or not, but the General simply leans forward, places his elbows on the edge of the lab bench and sighs.

“You tell me.”

His words sound casual, but she thinks she catches the hint of a challenge underneath and she just stares at him rather than give voice to the thought.

“Whatever you decide,” he offers, when it becomes clear she isn’t going to answer, “you need to be happy. Does he make you happy?”

“Yes. I think so,” but the answer doesn’t sound convincing even to her own ears.

“Then,” he pauses, “as long as you’re happy – that’s all that matters.”

“Is it?”

_“Carter,”_ he warns.

“What about you?”

“This isn’t about me.”

_“Yes! It is,”_ she hisses before she can stop herself. “I – you – we –”

“Carter. _Stop,_ ” he says firmly.

“No. I need you to be honest with me,” she continues, ignoring his order. “I need to know.”

He sighs heavily, but turns around, pulls his access pass from his pocket and swipes it so the door to the lab closes. He waits until it’s firmly shut and then slowly turns to face her.

“What do you need to know?”

“Would I be making a huge mistake if I said yes?”

“To Pete?”

She bites down on her bottom lip and nods.

“I can’t – and won’t – tell you that.”

She sighs in frustration. “I know,” and yet she can’t help but press the issue. “But –”

“I would never tell you what to do, Carter,” he interrupts. “I will always be there for you, no matter what,” he adds and she inhales sharply when she hears the same promise he gave her on the Prometheus. “But only you know what it is you want.”

“Do you know what you want?”

He tilts his head to the side as he regards her carefully for a moment.

“Yeah,” he murmurs. “I have for years.”

A heavy silence fills the room, neither of them seemingly sure as to what to do or say next following his admission. Sam closes her eyes and presses her fingers to her temples to try and ease the headache she feels building, but the sound of the door opening has her quickly looking up.

“You need to decide what you want, Sam,” he repeats. “Just trust yourself. I do.”

With that, he’s gone and she is left staring at an empty doorway – and she is suddenly aware of everything. She knows why it has taken her two weeks to decide whether or not to accept Pete’s proposal; because even though she didn’t want to admit it, she _does_ know what she wants – and the thought of what she wants now walking away from her, is more than she is prepared to handle.

She doesn’t want a white picket fence or to be a stay-at-home mom and wife.

She wants to be with someone who _gets_ her; someone who will respect her and her decisions when it comes to her job; someone who knows what she likes and what she doesn’t; someone who knows how she likes to be treated and how she doesn’t; someone who knows what makes her come to life with excitement and what makes her want to hide away in fear… and as sweet as he might be, she doesn’t have that with Pete – but she does with Jack.

She jumps off the stool and heads into the corridor.

_“Sir!”_

He pauses and slowly turns to face her, his expression blank.

“I –”

She catches sight of an airman in the distance and stumbles, but when the General says her name, she straightens.

“I know what I want.”

An inscrutable look crosses his face as he holds her gaze.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she nods. “I just… I just need a little time.”

He presses his lips together and dips his head slightly in acknowledgement as he approaches her.

“Carter, I –”

“This is my decision,” she cuts in, “but I think we need to talk. Properly.”

“OK,” he says. “Let me know when you’re ready,” he adds as he half-turns and begins to head back down the corridor, his lips twisting into a small smile. “I’ll be waiting.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay… So, I had to re-watch this scene a few times for this chapter, and then for curiosity (I don’t know why?), I went and watched the scene near the beginning of the episode when Pete proposes. And I swear, the more time that passes, the more those scenes really, _really_ push my buttons – particularly the latter. I mean, Pete _knows_ Sam’s job is a secret for a reason and yet he still blabbers on in a public park about “alien creatures bent on galactic domination”. Plus, don’t even get me started on the “spandex” comment, or the fact that when he confirms that he _did_ stalk her, she does not look happy. In. The. Slightest. Honestly, my rant about this scene would be longer than this chapter.


End file.
